This week, we honor our King in the North, Santino, who won the OCD Bonus last week by posting more songs than we fat, lazy, and uneducated Americans did even with our guns and violent television shows and non-round bacon.
The spoils of victory are that Santino has gotten to select this week’s music thread topic. His choice? Canada. Specifically, he asked for Canadian artists.
I can totally understand why he would select this. We here in the states never give enough appreciation for our Canadian neighbors. It’s due. So allow me the opportunity to do so on behalf of all of us Uncommonwealths down here.
Canada and the United States have not only the longest international border in the world, but the longest undefended one. The US is truly fortunate to have a neighbor who has long been willing to peacefully negotiate border disputes and build a relationship based on friendship and trust. That’s saying something, as warlike as the United States is.
Does that mean Canada is weak? Nope. Canada is the only country in the galaxy that has ever successfully repelled not one, but two invasions by the United States. Mexico, Spain (Phillipines and Puerto Rico), Germany, Italy, Japan, Iraq, Panama, Haiti, Serbia and a bunch more were asked for comment but most of them just mumbled something about cold winters and hung up the phone. I don’t think we want to spin the wheel on a rematch, as the Canadian military’s war record is stunning. Undefeated.
Also, three of the five longest-range sniper kills in history were made by Canadians, including the top one. Canadians would graciously allow any invader to die a quick death by headshot rather than suffer frostbite, because they are nothing if not considerate.
Oh, and Canada is the only country that has ever defeated US teams at the World Series. Shut up, Japan. We don’t let you play, because reasons.
Canada has a proud history of providing shelter for those who don’t even fit in here in the US. After the American Revolution, they opened their doors to the defeated Tories who had no home in the new republic. Canada was a haven for escaped fugitive slaves fleeing American bounty hunters. And they are open to the idea of accepting our celebrities who keep threatening to defect there every time a Republican wins the presidency.
Canada is our second largest trading partner, only behind China. That’s amazing when you consider the relative population sizes of those countries, isn’t it? The Canadians are so generous, they even let the US have a trade surplus!
Seriously, Canada. You don’t threaten us, you don’t screw us on trade, you don’t send us brown people to steal our jobs, and you’re almost all white. I’m not supposed to say it, but Donald Trump wishes all countries were you.
What else? Ah, Canada gave us Dan Akroyd and John Candy. I wouldn’t want to live in a world in which The Great Outdoors didn’t exist.
Thank you, Canada. Know that if you ever present these facts to any American, he or she would have no choice but to admit that we owe you a tremendous amount of gratitude for your friendship that has brought two centuries of peace and prosperity to this continent (except for us beating the crap out of Mexico and each other in the 1800’s). We all benefit from free trade and your enormous contributions to our shared culture and the arts. If you ever feel that we don’t appreciate you, it’s only because we take your goodness for granted and never stop to think about it rather than any disdain on our part.
Speaking of being treated with disdain, that reminds me of a story. I’ve never been to Canada. The closest I’ve ever been was back in 2005 when I was conducting some business in Grosse Pointe, Michigan. I was interested in crossing the border and checking it out. So when I got to my hotel, I chatted up the hotel clerk. She was a nice, elderly lady.
I asked about some of the local attractions and she mentioned some of the points of interest. I asked her, “I’d like to go into Canada, just to say I’ve been there. How do I get there from here?”
The old lady’s mood changed from cheerful to judgmental. “Oh, you want to go across the bridge to Toronto“, she said disapprovingly, in the same tone Faramir might have asked Frodo why the fuck he wanted to see Mount Doom so long after the tourism season.
I was taken aback my the attitude whiplash. “Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve never been to Canada before and I just wanted to see what it’s like.”
“Oh,” she replied. “Well, it’s just that a lot of men want to go to Toronto because,” her voice lowered to a whisper, “the women in the strip bars take all of their clothes off.”
“No, no! I wasn’t going to do that,” I said, which was true because I’d spent all of my cash at a strip club in Ohio that week. Don’t judge me. They had a buffet.
“Alright,” she said, the warmth returning to her face. “I’ll give you directions to the bridge.”
Unfortunately, I never made it due to work commitments. The Toronto Vajay-jays would have to wait for another time. Still, I learned that the Canadians are not only a great people but also a laid back one. I returned home knowing that the Great North was in good hands.
Join me now in celebrating a belated Canada Day with these themes:
- Talented Hosers – Canadian artists. Don’t worry. There are, uh, a few.
- O Canada – Music about Canada.
- God Save the Unelected Figurehead – Feel free to pay homage to any and all of the nations of the Commonwealth. Taxation without representation wasn’t that bad for some folks at least.
Rob Furlong Bonus: If you play a Nickelback song, I will hunt you down with a high-powered rifle and try to bring home that longest shot title.
Santino, of course, is first (note that the order of dedications is typically random and nothing should ever be inferred from anyone’s position on the list but this is HIS week so shut up and deal with it). Let’s start this up with some proper ceremony. Stand up and enjoy Geddy Lee’s heartfelt rendition of “O Canada”.
Zurvan: I love this band and didn’t realize they’re Canadian until I saw it on the Wikipedia list. I have a feeling I’m going to be surprised a few times as this thread goes on.
pfluffy: How about that Canadian prescription drug plan?
Grendel: I picked this one just because the band name stood out.
westvirginiarebel: I like this one. I’m prone to some good emo shit now and then.
spootyjim: This is still not the weirdest thing to come out of Canada. I think some of the old Kids in the Hall skits hold that distinction.
kevinmkr: Sooooo you’ve been to Toronto, I’ve heard. Anything you want to tell the group? Here, I saved a special one for you.
Want a dedication of your own? Share a song in the comments! All are welcome to participate.